more of the cuteness that is my dog...

Sorry y'all...almost forgot to lighten the mood with the cuteness.

thankful...

I am so thankful to have all of you!  In addition to the thoughtful comments on my last post, I have received several emails and even a couple of FB messages.  You guys rock!

I think the word "disappointed" would be a good way to describe my feelings about my band (and also a little about me).  I vacillate between between thinking that the band was a failure and thinking that I am a failure.  I have a very strong philosophy of personal responsibility--I never blamed genetics or hormones or anything else for my "fatness"--and have a hard time not blaming myself for the fact that the band hasn't been the proper tool for me.  I keep thinking "if only"--if only I'd made better food choices, if only I'd exercised more, if only I'd chosen a different surgeon.  It goes on and on.

And, the fact is that a portion of that self-blame is justified.  But, I have to keep reminding myself that I also am justified in placing some of the blame on my body.  I have to remember that I have no control over the swelling that happens every time I get a fill.  I have to remember that I had no control over the fact that my original surgeon was such a miserable after-care-giver.

So, here I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and in the process of giving up on the band.  It's not a great place to be, but I don't plan to be here forever.  I guess a just need to get through the wallowing in self-pity so that I can make it to the place where I'm ready to move forward again.  Fingers crossed it doesn't take too long.

Luckily, the non-band parts of my life are going really well right now.  Maybe I'll just concentrate on that for a while and give all the band stuff a break.

quickie..

...I'm still here.  I'm still hatin' on my band.  Latest fill has at least stopped the gaining...although it hasn't started any losing.  I can't imagine being any tighter since I can hardly eat as it is.  Not sure what to do...or think.  I'm in a really bad place in my head, and really have given up on the idea of the band working for me.

I'm not giving up entirely, though.  I'm just keeping my fingers crossed until June 8 (2-year mark) when I can start the process of converting to the sleeve.

crossed...

Fingers crossed for my fill today (3:45pm EST).  I've actually been feeling some restriction the last few days.  Of course, it's The Crying Time (OTR, TOM) today which probably has something to do with it.

In my last post, I was feeling a bit down (understatement much?).  I am trying hard to turn that attitude around.  Although I don't really expect much, there is still a part of me that is hopeful about today's fill.  I am nervous, though.  I don't know if my psyche can handle another blow of the fill/swell/unfill variety.

So, not exactly upbeat...but, better than last time, no?  Here's some more cuteness to make up for the less than cheerful post.

Murphy and his girl sharing lap-time.
(Dassah lives across the street and stayed with us for a weekend while her people went to Disneyland.)

PS  Darrell got a bonus this year and we're getting new windows!!!  Hoping that will put a dent in our energy expenditures this summer.  We're also getting a new roof compliments of wind-damage and our homeowner's insurance.  :)  YAY for home improvement!

funckity-funck-funck-funck...

I'm in a serious funk.  Saw the Dr. on Wednesday and my weight is out of control.  I was up to 222 (I started at 241.5 almost 2-years ago!!!).  My lowest "official" weight was 203--just before the unfill on New Years Day.  I don't have much of a potty-mouth, but suffice it to say that sh!t-d@mn-mother-suckity-funcker is the cleanest of what's been going through my head lately.  I have only myself to blame since I took full advantage of my unfill to stuff my pie-hole with pizza, Subway (foot longs even), chips, ice cream, etc.  I have been eating just because I can.  I can't remember the last time I was hungry--or even not somewhat uncomfortable because of eating too much.  My belly is swollen like a pregnant lady and I even got winded picking up laundry yesterday.

I have a fill scheduled on Monday.  I mentioned the sleeve conversion to Dr. S and he agreed that it might be a good option for me.  But, he wants to give the band a full 2-years (and a couple more fills) before we go that route.  Me?--I am at the end of my rope.  I have put so much effort into being positive and hopeful during this whole trial and I think I'm just out of steam.  So, now I feel sort-of like I did during my original pre-lapband waiting period.  I am so over this band and anxious to get on with the next stage...

Gonna try to make the best of the next 4-months, but my heart just isn't in it right now.

To lighten the mood, here are some pictures of my dog with his new best friend...a lamb pillow-pet that he calls "Cow"(he also has a yellow-duck called "Frog").  He takes it with him everywhere.