thankful...

I am so thankful to have all of you!  In addition to the thoughtful comments on my last post, I have received several emails and even a couple of FB messages.  You guys rock!

I think the word "disappointed" would be a good way to describe my feelings about my band (and also a little about me).  I vacillate between between thinking that the band was a failure and thinking that I am a failure.  I have a very strong philosophy of personal responsibility--I never blamed genetics or hormones or anything else for my "fatness"--and have a hard time not blaming myself for the fact that the band hasn't been the proper tool for me.  I keep thinking "if only"--if only I'd made better food choices, if only I'd exercised more, if only I'd chosen a different surgeon.  It goes on and on.

And, the fact is that a portion of that self-blame is justified.  But, I have to keep reminding myself that I also am justified in placing some of the blame on my body.  I have to remember that I have no control over the swelling that happens every time I get a fill.  I have to remember that I had no control over the fact that my original surgeon was such a miserable after-care-giver.

So, here I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and in the process of giving up on the band.  It's not a great place to be, but I don't plan to be here forever.  I guess a just need to get through the wallowing in self-pity so that I can make it to the place where I'm ready to move forward again.  Fingers crossed it doesn't take too long.

Luckily, the non-band parts of my life are going really well right now.  Maybe I'll just concentrate on that for a while and give all the band stuff a break.