At the end of Part 1, I had just overheard an unflattering conversation about myself. How did I respond?--I shut down and hid. I was deflated and embarrassed and just couldn't bring myself to go back out there. My already fragile ego was shattered. I took put on my PJ's, took and Ambien and went to bed.
The next morning, I turned to food and ate a bag of popcorn for breakfast. I decided to lick my wounds and spend the morning alone--mostly because I had hidden the night before and didn't know how to find anyone else. It was a nice, peaceful morning. I spent the afternoon shopping with Rani--all the while trying to avoid other B.O.O.B.s.
I basically didn't really put myself out there the rest of the weekend. I showed up to events and even had some great conversations. But, I didn't open up. I had what I call "customer service" conversations. I was friendly; I told some stories; I laughed a little and even cried once. But, I had a wall up and didn't allow my true self to show. I was myself, but just dimmed.
I had a nice weekend--but it was just "nice". I absolutely love Chicago and was thrilled to be back! But, because I held myself in check, I didn't make any of the "BFF" connections that some others have talked about. I feel like I missed out and I have only myself to blame.
As you all know, it took me a while to really process all of this. I was so emotionally drained when I got home that I slept for most of the next day. Then I read some blogs and started realizing something....everyone else is not as obsessed with me as I am with myself. I also realized, eventually, that I have a problem with perception. Not just with my perception of myself. But, more importantly, with my perception of how other people perceive me. (yes, I know that's a bit of a tongue twister)
More on that in Part 2b.
4 comments:
I'm sorry you seemed to miss out on part of your experience and I'm sorry you blame yourself.
I'll await part 2b.
{{{Hugs}}} Sorry it wasn't a great time for you. :-(
I think I would have felt the same way as you. I also think that we are only human and can't always help how we feel. Especially women, we are emotional creatures. BOOBS 2 hopefully is coming soon and we will have another opportunity to meet! I thought you were great!
This breaks my heart. I had so much fun talking with you Thursday and Friday night, am still bummed I missed out on lunch with you on Saturday and I have to admit, much of Saturday night was a blur to me because I was such a nervous wreck about dinner that I know I didn't spend much time with anyone.
While I am glad you have made peace with it, I am so sad it wasn't a great trip for you.
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