guess what happened on the way to surgery...

So, the title of this post is a tad bit misleading. I'm not literally in a car on my way to the hospital to have surgery. But I am on my way in that I have started the process of fulfilling insurance requirements and preparing myself (both physically and mentally) for the challenges and successes that surgery will bring.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am keeping a food journal. I've never actually done this before. It seems to be working, but not in the way that I would expect. My target calorie intake for this first month is 1800 calories. In looking over my journal entries for the last 3 weeks, I noticed that I have only gone over 1600 calories twice and that most days I hover around 1200. I wish I could attribute this to discipline or willpower or awareness. But, if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that it is due to laziness. As much as I love my online journaling site, tracking food intake is a pain in the arse! So, I find myself not eating something just because I'm too lazy to write it down. My internal dialogue has nothing to do with whether or not something is healthy, or if I've had enough vegetables to day, or whether or not I've met my quota of dairy. Rather, its more about whether or not I want something badly enough to write it down. Hmm....

Another interesting phenomenon has to do with my level of hunger...which is practically non-existant these days. Regardless of my calorie intake (or lack thereof), I've decided that if I'm not hungry then I shouldn't eat. This has resulted in more than one day of less than 1000 calories. Why am I suddenly not hungry? I think it has to do with all of the time I've been spending reading the blogs of people who have already been banded. I have immersed myself (and my psyche) in the world of the banded where eating less 1/2 cup of food at a time is the norm; where calorie intake of less than 1000 calories is the norm; where satisfying hunger with just a few bites is the norm. Have I really tricked my brain into thinking that I've already been banded? Hmm...

Lastly, I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of days ago. Never have I thought of the band as magic bullet solution. I've always thought of it as just a tool--one that will help me lose the weight. I recently realized that it's really more than that. I could lose the weight on my own and I'd probably gain it all back like I always do. I've realized that the band's most important function is not to help me lose the weight. Rather, it is a tool to keep me from gaining the weight back. Maybe that was obvious to the rest of you from the beginning. I, however, just now got it. Hmm...